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I Am Not What I Think I Am

I Am Not What I Think I Am

Since last year, I used to spend a lot of time pondering "Who am I?", but lately, the more interesting question seems to be "Am I?"

The Efficiency of Belief

I have always thought as an extremist, I do not do things halfway. This makes belief a very useful tool for me. As I have noted before, I avoid making small, boring decisions because letting the world decide on my behalf saves intellectual energy. It is a highly efficient way to live.

This effeciency creates a specific irony. Belief is a shortcut that saves effort. If it is easier to go with beliefs than to constantly investigate everything, then those beliefs become the rules for how I act. If these rules are never let go, it raises a question: is there a person, or is there just a system running on autopilot?

The Labels of Self

I describe myself with labels like extremist, engineer or someone with abstract standards. These labels sound nice, but what if they are just stickers on a puppet? This brings up the idea of Astikta.

Ancient Indian philosophies like Jainism, Hinduism and Buddhism are very different from how people see them today. They were never about what you believe; they were about what you ask. Being an Astik has nothing to do with whether I believe in a god or the Vedas. It is about a "dis-belief" in anything that cannot be proven or tested.

There is a big difference between truth and belief. Belief is a story I choose to stay with because it is easy. Truth is what is actually there, whether I like it or not. This highlights a contradiction in how I see myself. If I am a seeker, I cannot be a believer, because a seeker has to keep questioning. If I am a believer, I am not a seeker, because I have already decided I have an answer.

The Contradiction of Freedom

To believe is to be bound by a story. To be free is to have no story at all.

To believe, is to carry a story that was written by someone else. Every belief I hold - whether about non-existence-of-God, universe, karma, rebirth, morality, society or myself - comes from outside. I borrowed these from my parents, teachers or the environment. This makes belief a form of dependence. I am relying on others to tell me what is real. If my mind is guided by these borrowed instructions, then my actions are not mine.

If I set aside everything I have been told to believe, is there anything left that is truely my own? If the mind is already full of answers, there is no space to look at what is true. If I am a believer, I am not free. If I am free, there is no place for beliefs.

TLDR; I might not be what I think I am, but then again, if I am just a collection of patterns, who is even asking the question?